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But it’s never really been a for him, or so he tells me.Maybe that’s why, even during my most intense periods of doubt, I didn’t explore leaving the relationship.He was my first kiss and, barring a few same-sex explorations during college, he’s also my first and only sexual partner.We’ve never had a breakup that’s gone on for longer than, say, the span of an argument.There were times where we probably should have, especially when I think back on college.That’s when we started drifting apart; there were some rough patches.I never got the chance to bond with my single girlfriends over those shared experiences of past relationships, exes, shitty dates.
Although I’ve been 100 percent on board with the relationship in the years since, I don’t know if we would have gotten back together if we’d broken up. I do have that little bit of doubt, I guess it’s FOMO, that comes up every now and then.I don’t want us to have a midlife crisis because of an issue we didn’t address when we were younger.It would be nice to be able to call him my husband, I guess.We went to different universities (though we were still in the same city), and were looking for different experiences.He was being really social and going out a lot, whereas I’ve always been a bit of a homebody. I went through a bit of a mental health scare — I was anxious and depressed — and I felt like he didn’t know how to support me.
Sometimes I think to myself, “Surely there’s another girl that would put up with this better than I am,” or, “There’s definitely someone else that would make him happier.” Lately, I feel like we’re not propping each other up as much as we used to. For the most part, we have similar interests, and even more importantly, we both want to be in the same place in the next few years, which can be iffy at this age. Which I guess is why there’s time for me to wonder from a place of curiosity rather than dissatisfaction. I think bottling up feelings can cause resentment to snowball, or drive people to do something horrendous, like cheat.